I realize I am posting twice, today, a Friday. Yes I am that boring. But I've been boozing all week and I'm taking it easy.
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I have first-day-of-middle-school-syndrome. Starting the sixth grade meant changing schools, changing classrooms and teachers for every class, and changing clothes for P.E. Most scary of all, it meant changing my position as a top of the heap 5th grader, the oldest (and coolest, obvs) kids in the school, into a 6th grader at the mercy of older (and cooler) 7th and 8th graders. Those kids smoked! And did sex things (I’m old enough that kids were not, for the most part, having actual sex in 8th grade)! And might stuff me in a locker! (ok – probably not that last one. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not exactly small…)
I got all worked up with worry. Knots in my stomach, planning my first day outfit for weeks in advance, wracking my brain for an excuse not to go, nervous.
Now when the fateful day came, it was clear I’d worried for, well, nothing. I had managed to forget that all of my friends were coming with me. That I knew all of the 7th and 8th graders from when I was in 3rd grade. That I wasn’t the first, wouldn’t be the last, and never needed to freak out. Sure – it was different. Things were shaken around and rearranged. But I was still me, I still had my best friends, I wasn't doing it alone, and it was just a matter of getting accustomed.
I’m feeling a little first-day-of-middle-school-syndrome about moving on from Tom, being single, and eventually (hopefully!) meeting someone else. I’m nervous about being alone. I’m nervous I am not good enough to find someone new (a corollary to not being cool enough for middle school). I’m nervous about not having sex EVER again. I’m nervous about not being loved ever again. I’m nervous the next guy I like won’t be as good as Tom, or I won’t like him as much. I’m just nervous.
And as long as I can draw on middle school memories, I know its going to be OK. I’m still me. I still have my friends. I’m not heading into a new world alone – it’s just a little different. And I don’t have to date anyone I don’t like – just like I wasn’t entering a new school knowing no one. Different can be scary, but I’m sure I will get accustomed to this new life in just a little while.
Because really, what’s the alternative? You can’t stay in the 5th grade forever. And would you really want to?
I got all worked up with worry. Knots in my stomach, planning my first day outfit for weeks in advance, wracking my brain for an excuse not to go, nervous.
Now when the fateful day came, it was clear I’d worried for, well, nothing. I had managed to forget that all of my friends were coming with me. That I knew all of the 7th and 8th graders from when I was in 3rd grade. That I wasn’t the first, wouldn’t be the last, and never needed to freak out. Sure – it was different. Things were shaken around and rearranged. But I was still me, I still had my best friends, I wasn't doing it alone, and it was just a matter of getting accustomed.
I’m feeling a little first-day-of-middle-school-syndrome about moving on from Tom, being single, and eventually (hopefully!) meeting someone else. I’m nervous about being alone. I’m nervous I am not good enough to find someone new (a corollary to not being cool enough for middle school). I’m nervous about not having sex EVER again. I’m nervous about not being loved ever again. I’m nervous the next guy I like won’t be as good as Tom, or I won’t like him as much. I’m just nervous.
And as long as I can draw on middle school memories, I know its going to be OK. I’m still me. I still have my friends. I’m not heading into a new world alone – it’s just a little different. And I don’t have to date anyone I don’t like – just like I wasn’t entering a new school knowing no one. Different can be scary, but I’m sure I will get accustomed to this new life in just a little while.
Because really, what’s the alternative? You can’t stay in the 5th grade forever. And would you really want to?
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