Third Wheel

Yup. That'd be me.

If it feels like a date, and acts like a date...

ABORT MISSION! I lasted all of 23 hours on this non-smoking kick. Wow. Possibly a record low for me. I’m keeping the day counter as a constant reminder of my failure and hoping it spurs me on. Meh.

Last night I got beers with the boys. Brandon, who works for a government institution, was out after a work softball game with several of his colleagues, and I met up with them and another friend of mine, Benny and Benny’s roommate. Good times were had, cheap beer was imbibed and country tunes were belted.

Now, Benny is a really good friend of my brother Mark. He and I get to spend time together alone because Mark lives a really long way away, and Benny is cool kid. Brandon wants me to date Benny. I don’t think Benny is interested, and I’m not sure I am either. But he is cute. Really cute. And really nice… so it bears reconsideration…We’ll reevaluate after this weekend’s KY Derby party when all will be in drunken attendance.

And finally – I have plans to meet up with a girl friend from my teenage years that I haven’t seen in, oh, 12 years? FB, natch. Am I total freak for being nervous and feeling like this is a date? I have to make small talk! And seem interesting and fun! And like I have accomplished something in the last decade! Argh. I know it is not actually a date. It is a girl, for goodness sakes! But it still makes me nervous. Did I mention I’m shy? Good practice, I suppose, for if and when a boy ever asks me out.

Maybe she knows some nice folks, and who couldn’t use more friends?

Lib’s Sad Corner of Saddy-Sad-Sadness

(I’m instituting a new feature (because its my blog, and no one reads it, and I can do what I want). In an effort to limit my post-break-up blahness, I will confine my depressive girly musings to an addendum at the end of posts. That way, you can skip it if you don’t like your morning coffee with a dose of melancholy.)

How do you let go? Now, I realize this is neither a new nor a profound question, but I’m being real. How do you look at three-plus years with someone and just say "nope. no more. i’m done with you. have a nice life – but don’t tell me about, k? thanks."? Every logical and rational part of me knows (1) it can be done and (2) it should be done. But there is still that nagging pain that wonders, how? Now, the actual how is easy (obvs) – I just don’t contact him. Ever. But it’s difficult coming to terms with the fact that I likely will not speak to Tom again. If I am honest with myself, I don’t want to be his friend. That was never our relationship. I have no interest in being there for him through next relationships, and after his heinousness, I don’t think that will change. So it's really, really done. But how do you move on?

Necessary Evil?

The weekend yielded nothing exciting. I spent the whole time working, unfortunately. I did manage to get out for drinks with friends late in the evening Saturday. But for the most part, blah.

On Friday night, however, shortly after arriving home from work around 1:00 a.m., I received the following email from Tom:

i guess you were right all along. i am in fact much happier when you're not a part of my life. it's to bad we couldn't stay friends. you'd really like this new girl i'm seeing.

Excuse me? Mind you, Tom and I haven’t spoken in over 2 weeks.

Now, I’m not delusional. Tom and I have both said hurtful things in the course of heated arguments. But a sucker punch? I hadn’t thought he was the intentionally malicious type. But I had to face it- my ex boyfriend is mean.

It took everything I had not to write back. A thousand responses were running through my head:

"wow! You know how I love being right! So happy for you!"

"oooh- I’d love to meet her. I’m sure she’d be so flattered that you felt the need to tell me about her. At 1:30. on a Friday. Can I get her number?"

"does she know you’re an asshole? "

"it’s "too", Tom, not "to." I knew there was a reason we broke up."

"if you think this is the way back into my heart- spite and jealousy –
boy are you right! Want to come over and make out?"

But mostly, I just wanted to send a big fuck you. Fuck you, and the time I’ve spent honestly evaluating my mistakes in this relationship. Fuck you for spitting on three and half years of what I assumed was a caring partnership. And fuck you for thinking your petty cruelties can shake me. I am better than this.

In the end, though, I didn’t respond. Lib – 1, Tom – 0.

In happier news, I’ve quit smoking (again)! The previous ex, Jimmy, made me a little day counter code to keep track (its over there ←). Thanks, Jimmy (who isn’t reading this, btw).

Full Disclosure… And a Cast of Characters

I’ve found this to be eminently helpful on other blogs, so here is a little backstory/ bit about me, and the wonderful and not so wonderful people who make up my social universe. I will endeavor not to dwell too heavily on past events going forward except where incidental to events going on in the present.

All names are fake.*

About Me

• I’m 28 years old and a girl.
• I have worked as a lawyer in a big corporate law firm for the last 3 and a half years
• I have had three long term relationships – Nick (high school to college, 4 years), Jimmy (college to law school, 4 years) and Tom (3 ½ years, post law school). If you do the math on that, I've been single for a total of one year of my life since high school. and the last few months, too, I guess.
• I am constantly trying, or not-trying-and-feeling-guilty-about-it, to lose weight, work out and quit smoking. As a corollary, I imagine you can picture me: an overweight (but not obesity-city-joining-the-200-theory-club), "she’d be really pretty if she just lost 20 (or 30 or 40, depending on your preference) pounds," smoker. What can I say? I like all of the gluttonous pleasures in life. Unfortunately, I don’t think my joie de vivre translates into highly dateable material.
• I like to drink. A lot. So do all of my friends. Except Tom… at least until we broke up.
• Tom and I broke up in October, and I kicked him out of our apartment. We continued to see each other (read: sleep together) until I left the country in January. When I got back, we saw each other again, had one last blow up, and it is O-V-E-R. I mean it.
• I work all the time. No joke. I’m writing this right now (on a beautiful, sunny, 85-degree saturday) from my office (procrastinating a bit on the fund documents I am supposed to be reviewing).
  

My Circle of Somebodies

Kate: my best friend. Kate is also a lawyer. I’ve (reluctantly) seen her through the affair she had while living with her fiancé and the ensuing break-up of that 7 year relationship, as well as a year-and-a-half relationship with a married man who wouldn’t leave his wife (until he fell in love with his secretary- NOT Kate). Kate can annoy the crap out of me, but I love her to death. And she’d never judge me. "Nuff said.

Ana: Ana and I work together. She’s a super rad lady who I trust, and with whom I can always get my drink on. She’s a lesbian, currently in a relationship she’d rather get out of.

Brandon: Brandon and I went to high school and college together, then moved to New York together where we were roommates for 5 years. Kind of like a real life 90210 where everyone follows each other from place to place so the show doesn't have to end. He is the Will to my Grace, except we’re nothing like them. Brandon has never been in a relationship of any kind and accordingly cannot understand, and hates, all of mine.

Jane and Cara: This couple has been together for 3 years or so. They were mutual friends of Tom and me. I got them in the break up. They’re getting married in October. They're so super well adjusted and excellent together they make me smile and aspire to better relationships. And gag, too.

Sam and Mary: Sam and Mary are a couple I hang out with on a regular basis. They’re good together, despite the fact that he can sometimes be less than good to her.

Mark: my brother. He’s older, but everyone always assumes he’s younger. He’s just finishing med school and he moves here in June. New friends! He’s also the coolest guy I know.

Tom: my most recent ex. College drop out who is just now beginning to succeed in his chosen field of restaurant management. We lived together for the last year plus of our relationship. I could write a really long book about him, but suffice it to say, for now, that he loved me to death, and treated me like sh*t.

Nicole: another girl I work with. She’s HOT, and every man in the world is in love with her. That is NOT an exaggeration – every time we go out somebody else succumbs. Personally I find the damsel in distress act to be a little vapid and cloying. But I guess it works, so who am I to judge.

Patrick: one of the men I work with. I used to have a mini work crush on him, but he was totally off limits- married. So we were just good buddies. Only now he’s getting a divorce and dating ("so super in love with!") Nicole. Figures.

The Partners: I work for a lot of partners. Rather than differentiating, they can all be grouped under the general heading of "suck."

Others will come into play, but these make up my general day to day life. You’ll notice a decided lack of single men, and an abundance of lesbians. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

________________________________

* for those of you anonymous bloggers out there (who aren't reading this), are you ever worried your friends might somehow stumble across your blog? Mine would be really transparent to anyone who knew me... something to ponder.

Everybody has a blog...

Well, a lot of people do. I realize I'm a little late to the party, but I just discovered these things! And never one to be left out (not true), I decided to start my own. Half-cocked, unfocused, and impulsive - like everything I do these days.

I'm sure I will be the only one reading this (how would one even find it???), and that is fine by me. Recognizing it may take some time to develop a "theme" and a "style," I am looking forward to anonymously going forth. It's time for some heavy duty catharsis, some working it out on the page, blah blah blah.

Who am I? Why do I think anyone would want to read a blog about my life. Well... I'm a 28 year old "professional" living in Brooklyn and working in "the City" (I promise I don't use "quotes" too often (and I don't air quote) but parentheticals is another story), transplanted from the desert about 7 years ago, by way of the South. As my landlords euphemistically put it yesterday when I asked them to let me out of my lease, I am "in a year of transition." I *just* (more on that later) ended an almost-4-year relationship, and eventually must embark on the dating scene - if such a thing exists - again. I can finally admit that I HATE my job and am ready to seriously consider other (lower-paying) jobs that might not have the soul-sucking quality of my current 9-5 (ha! 9-5). I have travelled to foreign lands to find my purpose (guess I should have known purpose doesn't live in the southern hemisphere. and if it does, it would take more than 3 months to find... elusive little bastard.) Basically, I am undergoing a lot of change (optimists might say growth?) and I think for my sanity I need to chronicle it. I have given it some thought, and here, in summary outline, are the reasons I am writing this blog:

What I Expect to Get Out of This: I need to work through my "issues." Normally they just swim around in my head, and journaling never caught on with me. So I want a place where I can let 'em all hang out. In hopes that they will actually get sorted out. And then there is the issue that my best friend (patient and wonderful though she may be) is sick of my sh*t. And I am sick of complaining to her. If I ever get readers, I am hoping they can offer an outside perspective. Plus, I'm hoping it will be fun! You know, when you have someone to tell things to, suddenly there are things to say???

What I Hope You (you being at this point entirely hypothetical) Will Get out of This: Granted, I have managed to put myself in a very unhappy and unproductive life-place. But that doesn't mean I don't have gems of wisdom to impart! And if nothing else, you can learn from the mistakes I have made, and will no doubt continue to make. And I'm hoping it will be fun! (I know I said that already)



So here goes. Hello, internets! I hope it helps me. I hope it helps you. or at least entertains you - my ineptitude at life must be good for something.