4 Years... or not really

Do you twitter stalk? Do I deserve to be committed?

Tuesday would have been my 4 year anniversary with Tom. And lately I have been twitter stalking like a crazy person. I just can't get myself to stop. So I put in a call to the therapist, and took a stroll down therapy lane this afternoon. Some tidbits from Dr. Mars*:

beginning with the obvious: stop twitter stalking. NOW. it will do no good, never ever, on no planet, under no circumstances, ever. I mean it. And start exercising - as we all know, exercise has been one of the few reliable, highly effective and free depression treatments around. SO - Exercise Watch 2009 begins today. I will commit to at least 4 work outs every week. Sound too ambitious (it does to me...)? Shoot for the stars.

the less obvious: she gave me permission to put my stop smoking efforts on hold as long as I started exercising. Also to be bracketed- thinking about dating (or the future in general in that respect). We're thinking short term - for all intents and purposes, it is as though Tom and I broke up in April- and not October. So give a girl some time to mourn!

the music-to-my-ears-because-I-am-a-heinous-bitch: she was so smiling, pleased, assign Lib a ribbon color and put her name on a foundation excited that it was finally over with Tom, and so proud I had taken the last step in breaking it off. Seriously- I think she wanted to throw a parade in my honor for not contacting him for 46 days (yes, I counted). And, in her professional opinion, there is no way Tom is happy. Having counseled me through over a year of our relationship pre-breakup and then the post-breakup period, she knows a little about Tom. According to her, he will continue to have the same problems he had in our relationship anytime he gets close to someone. Translation: he may get a girl to fall in love with him, but lordy is she in for a world of pain. (Sorry I am being mean spirited here. I hope you'll forgive me.)

She also had some things to say about Patrick and Nicole, but this is getting a bit long and let you consider what she might have said on your own.

In other news, Benny and I seem to be getting closer. I have made a sober decision to not pursue it, but I can't be sure that decision will stick while drinking. Seems like a wise choice as he is moving in with my brother- who moves here TOMORROW!!!!! Happy dancing in my office chair.

as for why I am posting, I have just been so amused and inspired by other blogs, that I figured it was premature to abandon the ship. So what if no one wants to read it, its boring, its silly, etc. As I keep reading, it is my space to do with as I please.

Sending my love out to the blogosphere, today's favorite is Petunia Faced Girl. Making me smile several times a day. Check her out if you haven't already.

And finally- I am taking suggestions for my next read. Out Stealing Horses is just about done, and I have nothing lined up. Anyone read a good book lately?

*not her real name

image credit: qthrul

I am not a blogger.

Let's face it - my blog blows. 98% of that is because I'm semi-retarded and can only think of interesting things while inebriated, and 2% is because I work 16 hours a day (making inebriation less frequent, and my commitment to blogging non-existent). So I'm giving it up. At least until I have something to say.

It's much more fun to read yours anyway. Which I will do. Lurking - my favorite pastime.

Anyhow, I can pretty much sum up the next year of my life, so what is really the point? I will alternate between missing/hating/not giving a shit about Tom, I will not go on a single date, I will bill 2000 hours (in this economy?!) and I will wallow in self pity in between bouts of drunkeness. Lather, rinse, repeat. Jealous?

kisses to you, blogosphere.

Homeward Bound

I head back to my desert homeland this afternoon. The older brother is graduating medical school. Hooray for Mark! Drunken hijinks to ensue.



As I mentioned, I had an intense week of work. Which I have followed up with a many-day bender of sorts. Now a brief recap for the week+ I haven't posted.

Tom: after the immature email exchange, Tom proceeded to call and text many, many (many) times, insisting on speaking with me. I told him repeatedly that I did not want to speak to him, whereupon he threatened to keep trying until I answered the phone. He eventually gave up, and has only called/texted on one occasion since then. My theory is he likes to use his days off (Mondays and Tuesdays) to harass me. And why not? Can we think of a better pastime? In more interesting news, he did reveal that "the girl he's seeing" - well, not so much. they've hung out. not even kissed. or at least, hadn't as of last week. So it is true he threw her at me in a desperate and transparent attempt to hurt me. It worked.

Jimmy: Jimmy (the ex-bf prior to Tom) has also been in touch. Every few weeks we have innocuous text conversations, generally consisting of pleasantries and well wishes. It's nice. But recently, I have upped the "come to NY!" requests. I'm very much trying to get him here. To see where things stand, to reassess, and because I'm lonely. OK? I said it. I will keep you posted on that project.

Benny: Remember Benny? We went out on Tuesday night. If he were anyone else, it would have been a date, i think. We had drinks at my favorite bar by work, then dinner at a trendy-ish restaurant, followed by more drinks. Benny is clearly in the friend zone. We talked about him wanting to get back together (sort-of) with his last girlfriend (cliffs notes: he doesn't really like her, wishes she liked him more, basically just wants a reliable dinner date. oh, and sex.) And about Tom, and about Nicole and Patrick (he's in the loop on that one), and then about love and dating in general. And it was fun and intimate and really great. So we'll keep that exactly where it is, and not even think about more.

I also hung out with a friend from South America last night. She's rad. And she wants to set me up with some famous billionaire heir flimmaker. We can all just have a good laugh at that one!


Basically, I could have summed up this entire post in a word: NOTHING. I got nothing. No dates, no crushes, no one to drunk dial, drunk text or get my head all distracted about. Is this the best place or me right now? Absolutely. Is it boring as hell? If you have read this far, I'm impressed at your stamina for snoozefest, but absolutely.

drowning

If anyone out there is reading... and I don't think you are... I have been a little MIA due to crushing amounts of work (read: 2:00 a.m. at the office every night for a week). But I promise to come back soon. I have updates on Tom (bad), Jimmy (maybe good), Patrick and Nicole (argh) and sundry observations. All coming soon.

A Dilemma

So I mentioned that my colleagues (and friends) Patrick and Nicole are dating.

A little backstory? I met Patrick when he started at my firm, because, despite being the same year, we were staffed on a deal together. And then another one. Each of which involved late nights, frustrating clients/partners, and general bonding-over-misery. We became close. He and his girlfriend and Tom and I would go out together occasionally. And when Patrick and his girlfriend became Patrick and his wife, Tom and I were there to toast the marriage. Over the years I have known Patrick and May (the wife), May and I became friends as well. She’s older and wiser and I loved hanging out with her.

Well, when I went away to South America for a few months, Patrick (married all of 6 months at that point) had begun a only-when-drunk flirtation with Nicole, my other friend/colleague. I thought it was generally harmless and would not progress. I was wrong.

By the time I got back, Patrick and Nicole were sleeping together, and Patrick had moved out of his apartment. A few weeks later, he told May he wanted a divorce. I won’t go into how stupid (VERY VERY VERY) I think all of this is.

Upon my return from South America, I sent May a short email to the effect of "heard you’re going through rough times, sorry to hear it, thinking of you." Mostly because I like May and felt bad for her, but also because she’s been really supportive of me through my Tom break-up, and I thought I owed it to her to pay it forward (or back, I guess). She took that ball and ran with it, and one night she was in my neighborhood and we got a drink. AWKWARD. I obvs couldn’t tell her about Patrick and Nicole, so I had to just sort of nod and make sympathetic mumblings when she said she was sure he wasn’t seeing someone else.

I told Patrick and Nicole about my run in, and in the face of Nicole’s extreme anger (of the "how could you take her side over mine" variety… um, really?), I said I wouldn’t see May again. And I really meant it. I can’t be May’s friend because that would mean lying to her, and friends don’t do that.

So now I have blown May off a few times, and although I feel bad about it, I know it would be worse to see her. But I need to come clean in some fashion so she doesn’t keep asking, and I keep saying no, I have to work or I have plans or whatever lame excuse I can come up with. I suppose I could just tell her its awkward to be her friend and Patrick’s friend, and since I work with Patrick, I have to go that way… but why would it be awkward? Argh. Wish I knew nothing.

Seeking suggestions.

Photo Credit: Flickr - The Rocketeer

An email exchange.

I broke my three week spree of no contact with Tom when he emailed me today. I have sunk to his immature level, and it takes a big mouthfull of pride to publish the following conversation. But in the interest of an uncensored blog, here you have it. How did I get back here? See for yourself:

Tom: i've been meaning to ask you... why did you send me that gemstone card? i don't have your earrings.

Lib: I thought you took them when you left. I don't have them. I ordered new ones. I sent it to you, like I said, in case you wanted to sell them or give them to your new girlfriend. My mistake. If you left them in my apartment, tell me where and I will get them to you.

Tom: how would i know where they are?

Lib: you had them last. you made me take them off and you put them in your pocket. forget it. doesn't matter.

Tom: are you going to subject me to your awful hatred for the rest of our lives?

Lib: I haven't contacted you. If you do the same, there will be no contact. And I think your email last friday, which was perhaps the most hateful thing anyone has ever sent, would make it more than "my" awful hatred. leave me alone. I will continue to leave you alone.

Tom: the most hateful thing anyone has ever sent? a little over the top, don't you think?so we're just going to throw away that HUGE part of our lives we spent together?

Lib: you tell me: [I copied his last hate-mail here]

anything nice about that email? any reason to send it at all, other than to hurt me? how do I respond to that? you obviously have zero respect for me if you can send that, so I choose to continue to not speak to you. No one I respect would send something intentionally hurtful, especially to someone they supposedly care about, and especially after not talking to someone for 2 weeks. so please. leave me alone. i will do the same. I have not initiated contact, i will not initiate contact. please just leave me alone.

Tom: i'm not going to deny that i'm angry with you. i'm not going to deny that i sent that email out of spite. but i will maintain that i care about you. there is no way, after all we've been through, that i would lose my ability to care about you and love you. regardless of what i may say or do out of hurt and anger. and i know that it's the same for you.leave you alone? leave me alone? you know that we will always be a part of each others' lives, somehow or some way.

Lib: don't give me any more bullshit about how you love me and care about me. if that were true, you wouldn't have said those things. We have both said things out of anger, yes. in the heat of the moment. that was unprovoked. And just really hateful and mean and childish and immature. you DID lose your ability to care about me; i don't know when but sometime before you sent that email.

please save your lies for the poor girl who is dating you now. I have no interest in anything you have to say.

You are not a part of my life anymore.

Tom: you can think whatever you want to think, but you can never claim to know how i feel. i will always love you and care for you. i have never lied about that. but you treated me in such an awful way for such a long time (and you continue to do so), i don't need provocation to say something to you out of anger. it lives within me. day after day.face it [Lib]... i will always be a part of your life, just as you will be a part of mine.

Lib: I AM NOT BEING AWFUL TO YOU! seriously- I haven't done ANYTHING to you in 3 weeks. And I didn't do anything to you when I came back. I came back in the spirit of working things out, and you tortured me for hours, only to let it drop last minute that you'd met someone. which is far worse than anything i had done. please- take some responsibility in this!!!

don't you have a girlfriend? wouldn't it piss her off to know you're talking to your ex?

why do you throw out threats? why can't we just let it pass???? seriously- what pleasure do you derive from making me angry!


Tom: you're right... in the last few weeks you have done nothing awful to me. by default. we haven't spoken.your jab about "saving my lies" for "that poor girl" is a pretty awful thing to say.you ruined my birthday. that was pretty awful.i don't have a girlfriend. just someone i've been talking to and with whom i've been on a couple of dates. she knows about our history and understands.and you hung up on me as soon as i mentioned another person, so you have no idea the context. you never let me explain it to you. you would think differently if you knew the whole story.i'm not throwing out threats. we will always be a part of each others' lives. that's just how it is. it's not a threat. it's reality.

Lib: I didn't ruin your birthday - you did.

Tom: we both had a part in it.can we communicate like regular people please?

Lib: no. leave me alone.

Tom: no

Lib: What are you trying to accomplish?I have nothing more to say. I have work to do and a call at 5:30. Leave me alone.

Tom: sorry for interfering with your work. we'll talk another time.

Lib: Why????? There is nothing to say.

Which is where we left it. More to follow, no doubt. Yes, I recognize I am an immature asshole for responding, and for responding as I did. I hate my life. Tom - 0, Lib - 0 (i think I definitely lose a point, but he doesn't gain one)

Tom is Like the 5th Grade

I realize I am posting twice, today, a Friday. Yes I am that boring. But I've been boozing all week and I'm taking it easy.

**********************

I have first-day-of-middle-school-syndrome. Starting the sixth grade meant changing schools, changing classrooms and teachers for every class, and changing clothes for P.E. Most scary of all, it meant changing my position as a top of the heap 5th grader, the oldest (and coolest, obvs) kids in the school, into a 6th grader at the mercy of older (and cooler) 7th and 8th graders. Those kids smoked! And did sex things (I’m old enough that kids were not, for the most part, having actual sex in 8th grade)! And might stuff me in a locker! (ok – probably not that last one. As I’ve mentioned, I’m not exactly small…)

I got all worked up with worry. Knots in my stomach, planning my first day outfit for weeks in advance, wracking my brain for an excuse not to go, nervous.

Now when the fateful day came, it was clear I’d worried for, well, nothing. I had managed to forget that all of my friends were coming with me. That I knew all of the 7th and 8th graders from when I was in 3rd grade. That I wasn’t the first, wouldn’t be the last, and never needed to freak out. Sure – it was different. Things were shaken around and rearranged. But I was still me, I still had my best friends, I wasn't doing it alone, and it was just a matter of getting accustomed.

I’m feeling a little first-day-of-middle-school-syndrome about moving on from Tom, being single, and eventually (hopefully!) meeting someone else. I’m nervous about being alone. I’m nervous I am not good enough to find someone new (a corollary to not being cool enough for middle school). I’m nervous about not having sex EVER again. I’m nervous about not being loved ever again. I’m nervous the next guy I like won’t be as good as Tom, or I won’t like him as much. I’m just nervous.

And as long as I can draw on middle school memories, I know its going to be OK. I’m still me. I still have my friends. I’m not heading into a new world alone – it’s just a little different. And I don’t have to date anyone I don’t like – just like I wasn’t entering a new school knowing no one. Different can be scary, but I’m sure I will get accustomed to this new life in just a little while.

Because really, what’s the alternative? You can’t stay in the 5th grade forever. And would you really want to?